Birds if a feather, flock together

I truly understand why I'm bffwith my bff.

I blogged on the go...

When everything ended

October and the beginning of November had been crazy for me. October was packed with performances and the beginning of November was plagued with APEC. And thank God, all these had ended. I just hoped my December will be easy going. But I know that is never going to happen, since there is this year end concert going on with the SAF Band.

For this, I don't hope for much. I don't even care if they let me play in this concert or not. It'll be stressful to play for this covert anyway since the musicians there are mostly better than me.

My birthday is roughly 2 weeks away from today and seriously I've no idea whatsoever what to do on my birthday. And even if there is going to be one, it going to be a small and private event.

I'm not too sure about the festive seasons, but it don't seem to festive to me or rather that is just what I feel about it. I thinn the main reason for that is because I'm in NS and the yer end concert don't quite care about the festive seasons.

Everybody thinks that the band is easy job, but it's a tiring and stressful job. While everyone is enjoying their holidays, we are there preparing ourselves to entetain in private events. And when it's time for our break, they are all working and slogging their lives away.

I now currently into this superb TVB serial call "宫心记". Its a show set in the Qing Dynasty and depicts the silent and vicious fight between the palace maids, concubines and the empresses. It's very "大长今＂but with better costumes and a whole lot bitching between the casts.

Back to MJ


I blogged on the go...

Torrential rain, flashing lightning, howling wind and booming thunder

The past two weeks the weather as either a raging thunderstorm or blazing heat and the followed by the former weather. And such change of weather can happen in as short of a time as 5 to 10 minutes.

Such erratic change in climate and temperature does have it's effect on a human body and I'm starting to feel it in me.

Over the past three weeks I think I have clocked less than 24hrs of time o seeing my mother. But icant really help it. She was in 张家界 for 9 days and after she comes back I'm involved in APEC, so when I'm at work she is at home and when I'm at home she is off to work.

This week was equally bad since I'm out almost everyday. If I recall correctly I'm only really home on Wednesday but that was because I did cross training in camp.

I don't know why but everything in my love life is going in a spiral - the downward kind.

I blogged on the go...

未来が恐い

Siting in the dark alone and listening to my iTouch on some soothing piano music is really an indulgence for me. There are times I really do need these times to sort out my mind.

Resting on the floor, I started to think about my life after I ORD from the Force. And I had to admit I'm afraid of what might happened in the future. What will go on in my life and what will stop.

I ponder in trepidation about the plan I've set for my life after I'm released from this ghastly vocation called National Service. I wonder will it work out for me? Will I be able to hold on to it? Will I be strong enough for the first 5 years of my life after NS? Or is there a better solution or a plan for me?

All these questions kept reverberating through my mind. But, alas, I do not have the answer for it. No one has any clue what is going to happen in the future. The only one who knows it is God.

I find it frustrating that all these have to surface but I have to accept the reality that I'm growig up. That I have responsibilties that I will have to undertake in the near future.

But for now, I just hope evrything will go on just fine.

Yes, the future is scary. And there is nothing as scary as uncertainty. Like everyone else, I'm just as uncertaint about my future.

I'm researching on some information regarding my further studies. From what I know SIM stop offering the courses I've considered so the next best thing for me now is a double degree from kaplan which is awarded by Murdoch University. But still the main problem with that now are my finances. I intend to fund y own studies or rather I've planned it that way.

I may need to revise that though.

Days alone

My mum is overseas having fun in China. Today is the 4th day into her 9 day long trip to 张家界 and I'm still surviving quite well without her. Simultaneously, today is, too, the 4th day that my office is in Japan, Sapporo right now (KNNCCB)

I try to understand and I'm a very patient person (so to speak) and I have very few pet peeves. Recently, I discovered a new pet peeve for myself - Rude, Obnoxious, Fucked Up Bastards who think the world centers around them.

That aside, I'm still a bit sour from the fact that I'm not in Sapporo freezing my ass off right now. But what to do, ces't la vie, some bad decisions had been made (In My Opinion). And he still have the cheek to ask, one day before the trip "Are you going?"

I smiled, putting up my most plastic facade and replied "No, I'm not going". But in my mind it was more of "KAN NI NA BEI CHAO CHEE BYE, what kind of a question is that? Thanks to you and your incompetency musically, I was off that list and you better thank whichever God you are praying to that you were able to go"

Okay, I admit, I'm still sour.

But I miss yu...

I hope yu are doing fine over at where yu are right now. I hope its not too cold for yu.

There is always one bitch in your life...

I learn that God hasn't been really kind to each and everyone of us. Somehow, He found it funny to put bitches into our lives to make it...erm...a little "more happening". Thats not where the joke ends. He makes the biggest bitch in your life your mother.

And again, the misunderstandings between me and my mum widens. I feel the gap is so wide between the 2 of us. And since the misunderstanding is so wide, well, might as well just leave it. And hope that maybe one day, either one of us will have an epiphany and suddenly understand each other.

The problem arises again with this issue of "Money". I don't want to ever in my life, talk to my mother about money again. Its so frustrating to talk to her. And boy, she really can link up all the shit together.

From money to me being selfish (huh?) to me supporting the family (yea...I'm sure $500 can feed the whole Singapore) to giving her "allowance" (Did I mention $500 can feed Singapore, I'm able to donate to the UNICEF to feed the kids in Africa too!!!) to how I don't care about her (Yea...my mum is just some random woman who decides to live in my house) and before it goes on, I went into my room and shut the door on her.

I'm almost done taking her crap. I have thoughts of moving out. I'm so frustrated with her.

She keeps expecting a lot from me, I try my best not to disappoint her, but at the same time I almost gave my life trying to explain to her why I can't live up to her expectation now. My mum never quite grasp the concept of me being in NS right now. She just thinks that I'm going to work as usual.

Yea, she got that part right...except I'm paid even less than a student working part time in McDees. Talk about workers wage in Singapore, and yet, its the Gahmen who underpays their manpower.

She expects me to pay for everything myself, which as a matter of fact, I'm doing so for most of my stuff. The only thing that she is paying for me right now is my phone bill, which I will take over as soon as I get out from this binding vocation, just so I can shut her up.

I know one year from now, I'm going to have the same conversation on the same topic with her again. Its when I get a full time job and she asks me about my salary (which I'm going to lie to her about) and wants me to make necessary arrangements for her this and that. Which to that, I'm going to tell her what I've already planned for her, just so I can shut her up and not hear her talk about this money issue again. Because its so frustrating to talk sense into her.

I'm just going to end my blog here, its pissing me off enough just to even think about what she blabbled just now.

How much of a Bitch you are, Life.

For a long time, I have never felt so lost. I find myself gazing into a spot and spacing out, oblivious of whats going on around me. The last time I felt this way was in Secondary school, while I was in Secondary 3. It was the day to announce the ranking and the position for the senior band members.

I expected myself to take up the position of the Band Major even though it was usually a girls job, but at that time, no girls seems to be able to take up the job. Naivety took the best of me, and alas, I was upset, not the mention the disappointment I had endured, by the choice of decision. I was chosen as the Librarian for the band.

After the meeting, my conductor approached me. He asked me, and I remember it vividly, "Were you disappointed with your appointment?"

I knew when the appointments was read out, my expression did change. I tried my best to hide it, but I guess my emotions were too much to put a facade on. Ego made his last effort to avoid any more humiliation, so I answered: "No, it was kinda expected." I tried to take things in my stride. The gap was wider than the Grand Canyon.

Till today, I resent the decision. I could have never understood why. Countless explanation I tried to disillusion myself, but none of them seems to be the correct solution. If it is a matter of sex, then I guess, this glass ceiling was too strong for me to break. Most likely made from reinforced tempered glass.

I learn from young that not everything will go the way you want it to. Just go with the flow. But every now and then, I find myself swept under these towering waves, suffocating and drowning, flailing redundantly against the forceful current just to take a breath. I thought I've learn to deal with it. And again, naivety got the best of me, I find myself, once again disappointed.

Its just too hard sometimes, to go with the flow of things. And alot of times, things just never seem to go the way I would expect it to. No matter how hard I try.

I am always a staunch believer of "Hard Work Pays Off". Maybe there was the fine print of "Eventually" somewhere, but even so, "Eventually" seemed more like "Never". My faith for this motto took countless hits, and I have to confess, I falter from time to time. Yes, there are times, where my hard work does pay off, but the incentives nevertheless, was never proportionate. But I keep telling myself "It'll come, it'll come." I feel a lot like Nigel from "The Devil Wears Prada"

Today, I literally fell flat on my face and figuratively speaking, I broke a lot of bones with this fall. This fall was totally unforeseen, even though I keep trying to see the obstacles that will trip me over. I saw them, tried to avoid them, but still, I fell. Again, naivety continues to be the bane of my life.

What they say is correct, "The higher your expectations, the greater your fall". I was a skydiving case without the parachute today. I was hoping for an Angel to catch me while I fall, still they remain as a myth, a fickle of my imagination. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, my waxed wings melted and I plummeted onto solid ground into a bloody, unrecognizable mess.

My hopes were too high.

Today was the epitome of disappointment, fallen hope, resentment and how naivety killed my dreams.

I totally lost my interest in work because of what happened today. Throughout the day, I wonder to myself "Why do I work so hard? When in the end, its those that are lazy that is rewarded." and "Why does things never ever go my way. Why do I always have to be the one compromising." I'll be honest, I cried not just once. I cried not because I was weak. I cried at the injustice, the biasness and the twisted logic of the people around me.

It'll take me sometime to get over what has happened today. And who knows what will become of me when I do get over it.

Oh, I did not get to go Japan.